


Seven - The sequel to Close.

by Accio_Finn_Nelson7



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-28
Updated: 2016-09-29
Packaged: 2018-07-18 19:55:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 22,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7328320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Accio_Finn_Nelson7/pseuds/Accio_Finn_Nelson7





	1. Chapter 1

“Lola! Come on, it’s ten past eight!” Rae hollered throughout the flat, adding a little huff and head shake. She had exactly fifteen minutes to give the little one her breakfast, brush her hair and get her into the car - she was not even sure Lola had gotten dressed yet. That was one gene that had been handed down from Rae; laziness. It was both a blessing and a curse, the blessing being when Rae was too exhausted by the time the weekend rolled around and she simply wanted a duvet day; Lola would happily agree - gleefully asking could they watch Wizard of Oz. For the millionth time, but the curse of it meant they would be late for almost everything.

Surprisingly, Lola was ready and in the living room within three minutes of Rae calling her - speaking of how she was looking for her book bag. Rae then made a quick start on the little one’s hair, pulling it back into two pig tails that were accompanied by two, royal blue hair ties - all’s whilst shoving a bowl of Golden Grahams into Lola’s nimble fingers. Earning a few whines whenever Rae would snag a knot that had escaped from the clutches of the wooden brush.

Rae was amazed that they had not woken Chloe this morning, but not even the lion roar’s of thunder could wake Chloe when she had a hangover - it was the third one this week and it was only Wednesday. As soon as the hair was up and the bag was found, coats were shoved on and scarves were wound snugly around their necks - ready for the bitter November morning that awaited them,

“Be back later, Chloe!" 

Rae called out, hovering in the doorway. She rolled her eyes at the silence before turning and gingerly closing the front door behind her. Rae took her daughter’s fingers in between her own and made her way down the corridor and to the stairs. The block of flats they lived in were small, with only five levels compared to the usual twenty that you would find scattered around Stamford. With a salary of a thousand a month, Rae’s flat was both cosy and tasteful - the people matching. Well, most of them were old anyhow.

The flats were centered ten minutes from the town and twenty minutes from Rae’s work, the school being a handy five - meaning Lola would be just in time for breakfast club and Rae could grab a coffee before heading in to work and beating the nine o'clock call. Rae pulled up outside of the pine, wrought-iron gates and swirls of royal blue, white and different coloured winter coats passed her,

"Kiss,” She spoke to Lola, who leaned over and placed a gentle, warm kiss upon her mother’s cheek before climbing out. She ran over to one of her classmates and the two walked hand-in-hand - skipping merrily ahead of the other girl’s mother. The mother turned to Rae and the two exchanged a wave before Rae put the car into drive and headed on to work.

Before Lola, Rae hated early mornings - she always used to whine of how a day should start after twelve in the afternoon. Now, she did not mind so much. She had something to look forward to, waking up Lola and seeing those big, shining and sleepy orbs of hazel was Rae’s favourite part to the day. She would often watch Lola, whether it be whilst the little one was watching TV or attempting to grip on to monkey bars; Rae would feel love sprinkle across her cheeks - to think that, that Lola was something she made… Her genes intertwined with another’s and it made the most beautiful little creation…

It often made her want to cry. 

With happiness, of course.

Rae’s thoughts then wandered on to what she would make for tea later, her belly grumbled a gentle reminder that in the morning chaos she had forgotten to pick up something for herself. Her saliva glands now trickled along her taste buds at the thought of an omelette from Sally’s caf’. The thought of mushrooms and tomatoes all chopped together with a drizzle of cheese made her put her foot down.  
——————————————————————————————————————————————  
Chloe had finally arisen, an hour before Rae and Lola wandered in - both exhausted. Lola’s mind frazzled out from the hard fractions, and Rae’s eyes sagged from staring at the computer screen all day. Although Chloe was suffering from a hangover from Hell, she had been thoughtful and had decided to cook the tea - the smell of carbonara slithered throughout the place.

What surprised Rae was to see a fourth plate on the kitchen side and Orla sitting on the couch, flicking through the channels. A habit that came naturally to her. She wasn’t expecting Orla from her holiday for another week, but she was happy to see her nonetheless. Lola dropped her bag and ran straight to her Godmother, not even bothering to take her coat off,

“Lola, coat off and homework please,” Rae spoke, using her best “Mum” Voice.

Lola then huffed, whining,

“But, muuum, auntie Orla’s here!" 

"Yes, and she will still be here when you’ve finished. Now, come on,”

Lola put on her best pout before climbing off of Orla’s lap and moodily making her way to her bedroom. Slamming the door behind herself. Orla widened her eyes, breathing a laugh,

“I’m sure she’s seven next month and not thirteen,”

“I know,” Rae let out a reciprocated laugh, “She’ll be smoking and getting a tattoo before we know it," 

Rae admittedly could not believe how quick Lola was growing, it felt like only a week ago that she was still learning to walk - now she was slamming doors and sulking. Rae asked did Orla want a glass of wine, and who was Orla to say no to free wine? The three girls gabbed and drank whilst Chloe slaved over a hot stove. It was nice to have Orla back, she had been travelling around Thailand, Australia, etc. For the past three months, her skin a glowing bronze and Rae could see the new, elephant tattoo peaking out from underneath the cuff of her maroon jumper.

But Orla being back meant a certain, brown haired boy was back too,  
"How is he?” Chloe asked, dishing out the pasta,

“He’s fine, nice and brown. When I say brown, he’s almost as black as friggin’ coal!”

The two shared a giggle, Orla avoided looking at Rae - who simply stayed quiet and found her wine glass suddenly interesting. Well, she tried to avoid Rae but the moment she laid eyes on her; she sighed,

“He asked about you,”

Rae looked up from her glass and asked,

“Really?” Her tone was passive, trying to sound disinterested, “What did he say?”

“Well, mainly about whether you’re seeing anyone,” She joked before turning serious, “He wants to come see you, Rae,”

He had been trying to come see her for an entire year, and Rae felt it was still too soon. Which she stressed, earning an eye roll from both her friends; who spoke of how she needed to tell him. She waved them both away as Lola entered the room, Rae then quietly spoke of how they would speak about it later.

But they knew not to hold their breath, for that conversation was never going to be finished.


	2. Chapter 2

The horrible rattle of her alarm buzzed on her bedside table. Rae let out a groan, wishing the ground would swallow her whole. Her and the girls had, had more than their usual one bottle and it had now resulted in Rae waking up with a hangover - a present from Satan himself wrapped in a bow.

She looked at the time, realising it was past nine and she shot out of bed. She ran into the living room, frantic,

“I’ve woke up late!”

She cried to Orla, who was currently making a brew. The girl sent her panicked friend a little smile and chuckle,

“Rae, relax,” She croaked, her voice still heavy with sleep, “Chloe’s took her,”

Rae felt a weight being lifted, but only for it to rest on top of her stomach - feeling uneasy at trusting Chloe to get Lola to school on time. But Rae was grateful, for she had Thursday’s off and now with a free morning it meant she could get an early start on any fallen behind work. She moved back into her bedroom, heading for the en suite. She let out a groan at the apparent crow’s feet and deep forehead lines, was that a grey hair she could see?

Although Rae was just touching on 27, she felt like she was aging terribly - single parenthood was really taking it’s toll these days. Luckily, from the running around and hitting the gym every now and again Rae’s figure was something she was proud of. After gaining a whopping two and a half stone during pregnancy; Rae had to admit that it was time to get back into shape - and now she was a glowing 10 st 2. Never in a million years would she thought she would ever be able to fit into a size eight - ten, maybe she was nine; but twenty-seven? She never thought she would see the day.

But she still had her curves, thankfully she still had her full chest - even breast feeding could not keep them at bay. She looked fabulous, but she did not feel it and she felt like she had aged ten years over the past year. As she flicked on the shower and waited for the warm water to steam up the bathroom, she stripped away her clothes and did not find herself cringing at her appearance - in fact as she ran her fingers over her smooth stomach she let out a small and proud smile. This, was her body. 

She did not care about the stretch marks, for she had earned those stripes and the prize being Lola was worth every tiger mark. She put out a hand and felt the warmth, then stepping in. She started on her hair, squirting out the coconut scented shampoo onto the palm of her hand - rubbing it into her scalp and letting it run out into the ends. She hummed a tune in her mind, letting the steam sweat out all the toxins. 

Her mind drifted to Finn, something that rarely happened in the past few years but lately he was all she thought about. Maybe it was time to see him, maybe Lola was at a good age to finally meet her estranged dad. It appeared the more Rae pushed him away, the more he fought back - well it wouldn’t be Finn if he didn’t.

She wondered, had he aged like her? Was he strange, like Tommy was when he had been released? 

She knew one thing was for certain, he would still be as handsome as ever.   
After feeling brand new did she step out, wringing out the excess water droplets before then tying a loose towel around her small frame.  
——————————————————————————————————————————————–  
Finn groaned as he felt a small but noticeable lick wet his nose… And then another… And slowly but surely his nose was drowning in small puppy kisses,

“Alright,” He sighed, his eyes flickering open, “I’m up! I’m up,”

Once the sleep was cleared from his eyes did two, wide and brown come into view. He smiled and patted his fluffy companion on the head. He patted his chest, signalling for it to come in for a cuddle. The little one went by the name of Riley, a chocolate Labrador that was the age of four months and two days - and he was Finn’s most prized possession. His best friend. 

He did not need to check the time, for Riley woke him up religiously at 9:07. He looked down at him, his voice cracked as he asked, 

“What shall we do today, Riles? Shall we have some… _Breakfast_?”

He put emphasis on the last word, smiling as the puppy shot up and began to wriggle with excitement at the mention of food. Finn sat up and followed Riley out of the room and down the stairs; wandering in to the kitchen. He took care of the dog’s needs before his own, cleaning the bowl twice before pouring out the water - just the way Riley liked it,

“Here you go, little one,” He mumbled as he lay the food and water out into the holders that stood by the back door. Riley smushed his nose in before Finn had even placed it down properly, he giggled at the sight - Riley was one greedy sod. Finn then moved over to the kitchen, carrying the actions out of pouring himself a glass of water and taking out his medication.

After popping the small pill he looked out into the small garden, sighing at the shine that glistened over the glass. What a miserable day. The pavement that ran along the edge of the small square of grass was dark brown and small patches of water glared up at Finn. He liked his little garden and took pride in making sure it looked it’s best - even if it was ridiculously small in comparison to the large and spacious, two-bedroomed home. 

He flicked his wrist a little, moving his watch to the center and saw it was now twenty past. Meaning he had an hour to shower, eat and get to the gym. He would be playing personal trainer to a girl named Emily for an hour, followed by another hour with another girl named Amy. The rest of the hours would be followed by giving boxing lessons to groups of kids, and then for the final hour he would train himself before wandering home.

He pulled out a cigarette out of the carton that lay on the side and just on time as Riley finished; scratching at the door and whining to be let out. He wandered over and opened up, grabbing a hoody and throwing on his slippers before stepping out. He lit the cigarette in one swift movement and let Riley do his business, his eyes wandering to give the little one some privacy. He lifted one leg up, leaning it against the rough of the brick wall.

His phone vibrated in his pocket, he exhaled the fresh smoke as it curled around his lungs and came out into a little cloud before him,

“Hello?”

“Ah! He is arisen, how are we this miserable morrow?”

Orla.

He scoffed a laugh and told her he was fine. The two giggled and gabbed, even after spending three months of travelling one part of the world together they still found something to talk about. But not the subject he so wished to speak of, it dancing on the tip of his tongue like the sponge of his cigarette. As Orla chatted on, he could not help but feel envious that Orla knew how Rae was doing; jealous that she got to listen to the adventures in Rae’s day. Be in Rae’s presence, bathe in the sunshine that was her joy,

“How is she?”

He blurted out, forgetting that Orla was in mid-sentence. He heard her sigh and there was a pause. He wished he had never asked now,

“She’s still not ready, Finn, I did bring it up that you wanted to come see her but… She needs time,”

“I’ve gave her a year! How much longer does she need?!” He barked, exhausted of waiting.

“However long she needs, you know better than anyone to give her time,”

He disagreed, biting down on the argument that he had given her enough time. To save the anger; he simply sighed and said he had to go. He had work that needed doing. Before anything else was spoken, he buttoned the call before shoving the phone angrily into his sweatpants pocket.   
—————————————————————————————————————————————————  
Rae watched as her finger and thumb swirled the spoon around the edge of the mug, before then bringing it to her lips and blowing - the steam teasing the end of her nose and warming the cold and bitter wind that had left a nasty bite. She took a sip and her eyes wandered about the place - the record shop still hadn’t changed. 

Rob wandered in from the back, a bunch of flyers within his grasp and his own mug in the other. He placed the flyers upon the desk by where Rae sat and pressed,

“Honestly, Rae, I could do with an extra hand,”

“I know but Thursdays are my only days off,”

“Well, how about just the Thursdays I really need you?”

She chewed the inside of her cheek, looking up at him from underneath her lashes before giving in and agreeing - earning a large smile from her friend,

“Well, since you’ve said yes then can you do me a favour and put these up in the window for me?”

She rolled her eyes and told him she would, adding a begrudged huff which he could only laugh at before wandering in to the back. She were to finish her coffee first, but even her coffee didn’t last forever and there was only so many dregs at the bottom. Once completely empty did she place the mug down before climbing off of her stool and picking up the flyers. It’s a rare occurrence for trashy hand-outs to hold Rae’s attention. But these ones did. The black and white print was cheaper to produce in bulk, and Rae assumed that’s why the colour was drained from the background image of two male fighters; both frozen in position, one about to take a right hook to the face. To the left hand-side a list of surnames are stamped neatly in a column, two per row with a “vs.” wedged between them.

It was not until she scanned the second to last pairing that her hands began to prickle with sweat.

**“Nelson vs. Simmons”**

Rae double checked and the letters scorched her mind as she read over it again. He couldn’t have been fighting again… He was a personal trainer, a boxing teacher - not a fighter. Her mouth opened in soundless speaking, slowly sitting down with her eyes glued to the flyer. Orla had told her that he hadn’t boxed since he was taken to jail, she wouldn’t have lied to her… Would she?Then again, Orla had kept Lola a secret for Rae for so long…

“Rob!" 

Rae called out, unable to pull her gaze away from the flyers,

"Yeah?!”

He called out, worried at what could be wrong. She swallowed the horrible tasting words that wedged tightly within her throat before asking,

“Can… Can you come here for a second please?”

And so he did, he almost threw himself in to the room and over to the desk. Asking what was wrong. She slowly looked up but only to shove the flyer forward, unable to look him in the eye as she asked,

“Is that Finn?”

The piece of paper was held between the two, Rob squinted as if he was having trouble reading the bold lettering. When all she received was a crinkled forehead did her index prod at what she was referring to. He took the hand-out from her, indulging her in a quick glance and she knew. 

Finn was still fighting,

“Shit,” He winced, “I gave you the wrong flyers,”

“You knew?!” She squeaked, unable to ask fast enough. Rob cringed,

“I’m sorry, Rae, he told me not to tell you. Well, he told us all actually,”

She shook her head, unable to process the information and she could not understand why she was so angry. He was a grown man, he could do and fuck up his life as much as he pleased. He did not belong to her, he was no longer in her life; so why was she so angry?

She picked up her bag and began to leave, explaining how she had to go, the coffee was lovely and she would come see him throughout next week. He called for her, begging to apologise but she couldn’t accept it. She needed to be alone.


	3. Chapter 3

“Are you sure you don’t mind me going out? I’ll only be an hour or two but it’s ok if you want me to stay in,”

Rae pressed, Chloe waved Rae away; her cheeks tickled pink from the wine. Her lower half was covered with the fluffy, cream couch throw. A variety of chocolates and sweets were spread across the table in a messy manner and last night’s Hollyoaks played in the background. She was very much settled for the night,

“I’ll be fine, Lola’s in bed with a film and I’ve got my wine. You go and enjoy yourself and we’ll be right here when you get back,”

Rae felt a little uneasy at seeing a new bottle of wine magically appear, the contents almost half gone. But in all honesty, Chloe was a lot better with Lola when she was tipsy rather than when she was sober. This would be the first time Rae would be going out in almost seven years, sure, she had, had girly nights but they had always been at home and Lola had always joined them - the girls all loved Lola and so she was often invited to their adult sleepovers,

“Right, just give me a call if you need anything!”

Chloe told her to stop worrying and to leave. Rae did the mum thing and checked over a few more things before shrugging her coat on and leaving.  
————————————————————————————————————————————————–  
Rae gave the folded flyer another fretful glance, clutching the paper tighter. Night had descended upon her journey a little after she had left the flat. It was further than she had originally thought, a good forty minute drive.  She parked the car across the road, gathering her valour to exit the vehicle and walk to the opposite pavement.

It was a pretty rundown area, police sirens on continuous loop in the background. The building looked unassuming from the outside; all on ground level, flashing signs hammered to the external wall advertising free pool. It was not somewhere her friends and she would frequent as the company lingering around three parked up motorcycles looked like they could eat her for breakfast. She was on her own and out of her depth.

Nevertheless, she proceed to make headway and bravely walk straight towards the solid looking bouncer on the door. She was jeered at by the line of people waiting to give an admission fee, a line she ignored, which possibly wasn’t the best idea.

“Excuse me.”

Rae’s politeness held no concern to him as he stamped another woman’s hand. Rae stood taller in hope that he’d commend her for remaining persistent.  
“Are you sure you’re in the right place, love?”

She briefly scanned the queue and it only confirmed just how out of place she must have looked to him. Her plan was to ask him about the ‘Nelson’ on the list of names she was still in possession of. But it was clear she was going to have to use a different approach,

“Is this legal?”

Rae’s question definitely caught his attention, the safety of his job and the future of the establishment could be in jeopardy for all he knew. Rae had no intention of reporting the place, but he was not going to take that chance. She had to suppress the grin forming as he quietly conversed with another man on the inside of the door, holding up the line and gesturing rather rudely to her.

“Go in,” He curtly instructed.

“Don’t I need to pay?” She asked sweetly, sarcasm underling the polite gesture.

“It’s fine,” He almost spat, “Mack will take you inside.”

Rae offered him a cheerful “thank you”, To which he snarled and allowed her passed. A man in ripped jeans and plaid shirt greeted her, smiling unconvincingly, the nerves bubbling to the surface.

“I have all the paperwork,” He stuttered, moving with her as they walked, “This business is completely legit.”

“Sure,” Rae smile.

“I mean, there’s a couple of bets placed on the matches, but that’s nothing to do with us.”

Rae had no doubt that what they did there was something they’d rather not have the police sniffing at. They had taken a risk with advertising, but by the amount of people waiting outside to get in, it was a risk that had paid off.  
“Would you like a drink? On the house. I can get you a good spot to watch, right down the front,” He rambled at her, nodding his head in encouragement. Rae rejected Mack’s offer of a drink, and somewhat difficultly convinced him that a stool at the back would suit her just fine. He ceased in his attempts of buttering her up, becoming aware that Rae wasn’t really interested in the perks,

“Just let me sit in on a match or two”, Rae asked, a request he was more than willing to grant her in hopes that she would keep her mouth shut about the illegality of the club’s business.  

Mack took up residence on the seat beside her, the atmosphere a little stifling as more people continued to crowd in. There was a makeshift ring in the center of the vast floor, raised slightly and roped off. It seemed a little amateur to her, having witnessed other boxing matches in proper regulation rings. The place did not compare, but she was pretty sure people weren’t there for refined entertainment; and most of them wouldn’t know the difference by the way alcohol was being necked back.

The lighting made the place look even dirtier, gloomy in corners where light bulbs had failed to be replaced. Rae stretched back, hanging her coat over the back of her high stool and turning around before Mack excitedly grinned, leaning in,

“The next match is about to start,” He voiced over the noise.

His next words were carried away with the vigorous cheering. It doesn’t seem to matter though, because Mack had jumped up beside her, his shouted support accompanied by a fist pump that she had to laugh at. It was not until she was up and peering over people’s heads that the scene settled. Finn’s here. Well, at least she sensed he was here, and she felt almost ashamed that he was ignorant to her presence. She was prying into his life, ripping the veil away and meddling in something that she was clearly not supposed to be a part of. She shouldn’t be here.

Her reasoning forced her to begin collecting her things in order to slip away unnoticed. It was with her heart in her mouth, and fingers gripping her coat that the back door by the bar opened. The action of rising upon her toes was easy and apparently automatic. Her mind was in a frenzy of conflicting thoughts, but it appeared that her body knew exactly what it wanted. And it was disappointment that overcame her being as an unfamiliar man stepped out first.

Rae drew away from the idea of a quick escape, instead watching as excitement washed over the room, pumping the fighter up to spring on his feet. He was clapped on the back by thirsty onlookers, moving towards the dilapidated ring to be introduced properly. Simmons.

He rolled his broad shoulders, stretching out the defined muscles in his back. Clad only in a pair of shorts, bare foot and grinning, he was the prime example of over eager youngster. Bets were continuously being placed right up until the announcer gestured for quiet over the mic.

“Be upstanding for our reigning, undefeated champion… NELSON!”

Rae froze; capturing her breath, willing her composure not to disintegrate before she even got a chance to confirm the identity of the “champion”. Seconds tick and she tried to remind herself that it might not be him, _don’t build this up, don’t push it._

Rae’s pulse thundered in anticipation, vision not straying from the back door.

 __ **Finn.  
** ——————————————————————————————————————————————–  
“How often does he fight?”

Rae asked, sipping the coke that Mack had provided her,

“What? Here?”

Rae nodded. The two were back at the office, after discovering who Rae actually was and that she wasn’t just a fan did Mack take a rather strange interest and asked if she had came here for any reason. There was none, but surprisingly she did have a lot of questions. He shrugged for an answer, explaining that he did indeed but rarely. Either only if Mack needed him to, or if Finn was a little short on money.

“Does he…” She paused, trying to find the right words without prying too much, “Are there, a lot of girls always trying to meet him?”

Mack was unsure of what to tell her. But after meeting her, did it explain why he always went for the brown haired and eyed girls, Mack did not expect her to be as thin as she was - from what Finn had spoke of did Mack expect a more curved and chubbier girl. She was still stunning, nonetheless. Finn’s description did not do Rae’s looks justice.

“Well… He’s Finn,” He breathed out a pathetic attempt of a laugh, instantly regretting the words as he watched Rae’s shoulders droop ever so slightly. He could now see what Finn meant when speaking of how it felt like kicking a puppy when seeing her eyes shimmer with disappointment and or sadness. God, she really was a beautiful woman.

Rae then shooed away the nagging feeling of sadness and asked when did he start boxing and how he came across a place like this. Mack explained of how Finn had came along to watch a friend fight one night and he and Mack sparked up a friendship; and now he would fight there every now and again. It did not matter whether it was only every so often, it was the fact he fought at all.

“Mack!?”

The two froze, eyes wide. The easy tread of footsteps outside in the corridor sounded like thunder to her ears, heart in her mouth did she drop to the floor and she crawled to the impossibly small space between the filing cabinet and safe. Her hands felt dirty and her denim covered knees were probably filthy with dust from the neglected floor. It was not the best hiding place by any means, but it served a desperate purpose as she squeezed and wriggled back to relative safety. She knocked her head on the worktop that ran above the safe, but the curse was bitten down in favour of keeping her whereabouts unknown. From where she was wedged in could she see Mack’s legs from knee down. Her stomach felt as though it had fallen out of her arse and she silently reprimand herself for the packet of bourbons she shared with Chloe on Tuesday night. She could hardly breathe and she didn’t want to now that the office door had been opened.

“Finn,” Mack greeted him a little uneasy, probably the fact that he was allowing a stowaway to take refuge amongst his furniture. His tone was a subtle warning to Rae that it was in fact Finn in the room.

Rae gulped down the bile rising within her throat.

“I’m gunna need my money,” Finn gruffly demanded.

Rae pressed back further into her dark spot. There was probably spiders lurking in there with her but there was no way she was going to be ousted out by creepy crawlies. She was more uncomfortable with the thought of being out there. She could not imagine the uproar and raging temper Finn would display upon seeing Rae alone with another man.

“You already have it,” Mack replied, casually leaning back against his desk.

“Not for last week.”

 _Last week?_ Rae frowned, sounded like Mack had sugar coated on how much Finn actually fought there. 

Rae still couldn’t see him, he had not walked any further into the room and she felt even more childish for concealing herself; hiding from her unaddressed issues instead of confronting them. This was a stupid idea. Her flustered self didn’t really weigh up other options, there was no time. And now that she was sat, wedged into a space not meant for a person approaching their twenty-seventh birthday, she couldn’t help but plague herself with the question, _would it really have been that bad if he’d have seen me?_

She couldn’t come out now though, she would look like a crazy person for hiding.

A breathless squeak was suppressed by the palm of her hand as Mack crouched down almost in front of her. For a horrific couple of seconds, she was fraught with the worry that he was going to rat her out. But he didn’t. Eyes communicated words unspoken and he continued, attending to the number combination on the safe.

Notes were stuffed into a white envelope and he unfolded from his squat, kicking the door closed with his foot. It was a short break from fear of blown cover.  

“Did you have a woman in here?” Finn asked.

Rae’s mouth dried and she had to suppress the need to hack her guts up. She dabbled in the unsavory idea that he could smell her, like a predator with its prey. But they were not playing cat and mouse, despite the fact that she was holed up and out of sight.

“No,” Mack replied a little too quickly.

“Is this yours then?”

Rae ducked her head down as far as she was able, peering out at what was being discussed. Her tube of lip balm was pinched between Finn’s thumb and index, looking stupidly small held in one of his bear paws. It made her feel more vulnerable to discover, knowing, that he was holding something of her’s that she had used only ten minutes prior.

He was too tall for her to see his face; her only view was of his lower body and half of his torso. Dressed all in black, she imagined him to come and go as he pleased during the hours after dusk, sinking back into the dark.

“Didn’t think it was your colour,” Finn joked. His voice was a lot deeper than she remembered, smooth. 

There was no well-versed guidelines as to how she should be feeling; no blueprint to reassure that her being oddly comforted by the familiarity of his oversized feet was weird. That part was Finn. It was the bitten tone that had her swaying between guarded and calm. He was a concoction of what she once knew and something unnervingly different. Skinny jeans and long legs, Finn. The stern posture and unthinking clenched fist belonged to someone she had never met before.

“Maybe it’s one of the girls behind the bar, a few of them were in here earlier for their wages.”

Even if she didn’t know the truth, she wouldn’t be convinced enough to believe Mack’s lie. He was atrocious at acting, a five year old would have performed better.

“Look, it’s not my place to judge.”

“I’m not cheating on my girlfriend,” Mack stated with solid conviction.

Now that she could believe. The money changed hands and she was more than thankful for the help Mack offered to free her. Finn was gone and it was probably time she left, too.

Rae collected her bag and jacket from the drawer Mack stuffed them in before the ambush. A tiny stick of lip balm could be explained, anything else would have raised the red flag and then shoved it in Finn’s face,

“Thanks for not telling him,” Rae smiled, truly thankful.

“Not a problem, now, get going before he comes back,”

The two exchanged a hug and Mack told her that her secret was safe with her - also warning her to not go the back way as that was where Finn always parked. Sending him another thankful smile, Rae then turned and left. 

She needed her bed and a long, hot bath.  
————————————————————————————————————————————————  
Thumps of Chocolate by The 1975 could be felt as Finn gripped the wall. He hated whenever Orla would have the TV loud and he most certainly hated that fuckng song, a double whammy within one. He hunched over, hacking up a mouth full of saliva and vomit; spitting violently at the floor. He attempted to push himself upright, but alas no luck and he went tumbling; face first in to the pavement. Barely missing his own spit.

This could be heard even over the thunderous vibrations of the loud television. Orla had now appeared and could only look down at him with disgust, he was drunk. Again,

“You know,” She spoke, disgusted, “Am getting real sick of this, Finn,”

She moved back inside for a moment to shut the baby gate between the hallway and the living room door that had been installed to stop Riley from escaping before moving to back outside, wandering over to Finn. As she hoisted him up on to his feet, his legs practically useless, she pulled his arm over her shoulder and shifted his weight on to her side, dragging him along towards the house and to inside.

She slowly sat him down upon the stairs and told him she would be back, and once making sure he was sitting comfortably did she then move on past the baby gate and into the living room. She glanced around to check that there was nothing along the lines of alcohol or objects where Finn could hurt himself, she then jumped as she heard,

“I hate this fucking song,”

As if by natural instinct, Orla swooped Riley into her arms and held him tightly to her chest. Finn was gone past obliterated drunk, Orla and Riley’s faces melting and blurring into colourful swirls. The TV glaring as it flashed at him, he swiped the remote off of the couch; causing Orla to flinch - holding Riley tighter to her chest.

Finn switched the television off, leaving the lamp in the left hand corner to be the only source of light, 

“I told you,” His voice wavered, unable to look at her, “To never play that song,”  
She shook her head, itching to tell him to move on. It had been seven years. Her eyes followed him as he stumbled, throwing himself onto the couch. Finn was hardly ever sober any more, constantly trying to find the quickest fix to block out the world. To block out any lingering thoughts of Rae. His job, he kept a clear mind for, for as long as he turned up sober then they did not care about what he did in his social life or whether he was hungover. As long as he was focused and hard working.

Finn did not see it as a problem, the constant cocktail that swam through his system of drugs and drink. Why, he thought that as long as he had a job, a home and wasn’t stealing or drinking on the local park bench then he could continue to do what he well pleased. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the small, loosely knotted bag of snow. Orla couldn’t watch, 

“You know what, Finn, soon you’re gonna know and then every little bit of cocaine and drink you do will not be able to cover the guilt you’ll feel,”

“Know what?” He asked, dipping his house key into the bag clumsily before bringing it up to his nose and taking a huge whiff. Not entirely listening, nor caring. The crystals of cocaine began to explode against his nasal embrane and he could feel himself slowly sobering. Orla did not want to answer him, he did not to deserve to know. She shook her head and left with Riley cradled safely in her arms,

“Know what, Orla?!” He demanded, watching her leave. He waited to hear the slam of the door, which he simply scoffed at. He didn’t care for whatever information Orla held, for she held many secrets and he knew that. All he cared about was the little bag of powder, something he had bought as a reward for winning and also to mask the guilt. 

Once getting the feeling back within his limbs did he then rise and make his way to the kitchen; collecting his favourite whiskey and a glass. He then re entered the living room, placing the bottle and glass down before searching for a DVD case. He sat down and pulled out the open bag, two more, his card and a bank note - beginning on creating his high. 

As he chopped up two little lines, he thought back on Orla’s words and knew who it involved. Rae. She always threatened him with Rae whenever he came home in a state, he knew secretly she would never tell but sometimes, whenever he would look in to those fiery iris’s, he didn’t put it past her that she would tell Rae out of spite. 

He rolled up the note in to a makeshift scroll and leaned forward, snorting the thinner line in one swift movement. Tilting his head back and deeply inhaling. He lowered his face and threw the scroll down, before then pouring himself a drink. When he first got out of jail he struggled. Finn did not leave the house, Orla buying it upon his request, unable to get used to the freedom. The world was loud, scary even and for the first time in years; he felt vulnerable. He felt reborn. He eventually broke the agoraphobic cycle and took the job up at the gym. 

But when the lonely nights and a month had rolled around; Finn needed to do something. Finn needed to grip what was left of his sanity, and so, the drugs and drink became his only friend. Not even Orla could distract him from the loneliness he was feeling. He hated that he needed to depend on something, a filthy habit but it helped and Finn was willing to hold on tightly to whatever made him feel whole again. Until he had her back in his arms.

His face contorted, his fingers roughly pawed at a small, frayed hole in the couch that Riley had chewed on. His jaw moved vigorously, the sour taste of sadness made his lips purse. His eyes glistened underneath the golden glow of the lamp, silence was his only friend right now. Not even Orla wanted him. He sniffed, he itched to lean forward and down the burning liquid. But he couldn’t. His jacket hugged his shoulders but it was nothing compared to human contact.

All he wanted was a cuddle. 


	4. Chapter 4

_“I knew you were trouble when you walked in…”_

Rae sang under her breath, the annoyingly good pop tune playing on the television as she mopped her floors. Chloe dusted the sides and Lola sat on the carpet, colouring in. The girls had been in their pyjamas all day, the cold glow of a winter sun dusted along the curtains that had yet to be opened. It was just touching on three in the afternoon, the day was passing too quickly. They liked Saturdays, although they did their regular tidying; it was their lazy day. 

Chloe and Rae often attempted to rush the tidying up, for they itched to be curled up on the couch with hot chocolates and endless films. It had been just over a week since the close encounter, and Rae did not find herself wanting to return to that grubby place any time soon. She had cried when she returned home, unable to hold back the seven years of longing for him. Chloe, for once, did not shout at her friend. Whether it was the wine that numbed her anger, she was not sure, but as soon as those tears began to fall did Chloe know;

It was time.

Rae had not been herself since that night, always quiet and lost in pensive thought. She rarely ate and around five in the morning could her slippers be heard against the wooden flooring. Chloe stopped wiping down her side and watched her friend, sadness tugging her heart downwards as she watched Rae absentmindedly wipe the same spot thrice. She was thinking about him again. Chloe sent Lola a warm smile as the little one announced she was going to play in her room. Rae said nothing, nor smiled, just continued to wipe the same place. 

Once Lola’s door was shut, Chloe opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted by the slam of the front door and pounding feet. That brought Rae to also, but she thought the same as Chloe and panic struck them both with fear that it was Finn. 

But, it was not. It was Orla, a furious Orla at that. Hair wild and eyes burning with anger,

“Orla, what-”

“Why didn’t you tell me you went to see him?”

Her chest heaved, her breathing heavy and her nostrils were flared. Rae put her shoulders back, attempting to stand her ground,

“I didn’t I-”

“Don’t lie to me, Rae,” She snapped, butting in once more, “Mack told me and before you ask, no, Finn doesn’t know. Just tell me what fucking planet you were on when you thought it was ok?! And on your own too, what possible outcome did you expect if he saw you? Good?!”

“Keep your voice down, Lola will hear you!” Chloe hissed,

Orla looked at her and Chloe suddenly shrank in size,

“You,” Orla snapped, pointing a finger at Chloe, “Stay out of this,”

She then turned back to Rae, who’s cheeks suddenly grew red at her Irish friend’s rude behaviour,

“Hang on, more like why the fuck didn’t you tell me he was fighting again?!”

“Same reason you’ve kept Lola a secret,”

Orla shrugged, her point black and white. Rae stepped back a little, awe with shock of the harshness. She did not know where to start, and she was not expecting such a sharp tongue from somebody she thought so highly of. Orla stopped herself from losing her temper, her own eyes faltered and the anger began to fade as she began her apology; seeing she had came down a little too harshly,

“I’m sorry, Rae,” She sighed, “I’m sorry, it’s just-” She paused for a minute, attempting to find the right approach in the little amount of time she had before Chloe attempted to intervene again, “I just know what kind of place it is, it was just a bit of a shock to know you went there on your own… And to see Finn, I mean, he isn’t in a good place right now, Rae, and I don’t think he would’ve been the nicest of people if he had of saw you. I’m sorry for shouting just please, let me know if you want to see him,”

Rae nodded, agreeing she was in fact stupid.

“Look, if you want you can come by and see him. Not right now but maybe in a week or two, just give me time to warn him ok?”

And once again did Rae nod, barely unable to muster up anything else. Orla took a moment before reaching into her bag and pulling out a piece of paper. She moved over to her friend and handed it over, Rae took it with a shaking hand and saw an address. His address,

“Here’s our address, call me the day before you want to come round and I’ll make sure he’s prepared alright? Well, I’ll make sure he’s there,”

She added a small laugh at the last part. Attempting to ease the tension. Rae found the behaviour from her friend a little odd, it was almost like they were strangers. Since when did she need an appointment to go round? And more importantly, why did Orla think Rae did not know the address? She had went with Orla to view the bloody place!

“I’ve gotta go, tell Lola I said hello,”

She sent Chloe a tight lipped smile and with that; she was gone. The two girls slowly looked at each other and shared a look of;

 _What was that about?_  
———————————————————————————————————————————————-  
Rae had toyed with the idea of going to see Finn, relentlessly torn between not going and going. But once a couple of days had passed and there was not a peep from Orla did Rae choose the latter. 

Rae watched a drizzle of rain speed down her car window, avoiding eye contact with the house beside her. She tightened her coat around her as she looked up, a sudden shivering overpowering the heat blowing out from the air con within the car. All but one room was illuminated with light; the living room. The flashing blue tones of the television lit up against the closed blinds, like make shift lightning.

She slowly turned away and her eyes landed upon the clock; 8:52. If he still had grips on the old Finn then he would be sat on the couch, waiting for an episode of Geordie Shore as it was Tuesday. Orla’s car was nowhere in sight which meant Rae would not have a peace keeper to protect her if this happened to go skewif. 

She flicked off of the engine and turned on auto pilot within her mind; it was now or never. She did not bother collecting her things, for taking them with her and hoping that he would let her in might have been too much of a fantasy. She took out her keys and climbed out, gently shutting the door behind her. Hoping he did not hear and look out; thinking she was Orla.

Old Rae would not even have made it there; her anxiety would have crippled her and warped her mind into thinking the worst. But that wasn’t Rae anymore. She felt her feet begin to betray her, moving up the path and towards the white, glossed door. Her body knew what it wanted, and it was shown as her shaking hand moved upwards and clasped around the letterbox.

_One… Two… Three._

Rae then stepped back, and awaited… And waited… And waited. And just as she was about to give up hope did the door fling open, and if it wasn’t for the dust of freckles and the messy mop upon his head then Rae would’ve sworn it wasn’t Finn in front of her. A white t-shirt hung off of his frail yet slightly filled out frame, making him seem so small. Crows feet crinkled in the corner of his eyes… Along with drooping bags. Cheekbones cut into his face, hallow like the bark of a tree. Red veins like city lights ran through the whites of his eyes, pupils swallowing his beautiful brown that Rae loved. The overpowering smell of vodka fought against his aftershave, and Rae attempted to suppress a gag;

Where had he gone?

His face faltered and he froze for a moment. Rae gave him her best smile but it was answered with the door being slammed in her face. She jumped slightly at the noise, before she then moved forward and whimpered,

“Finn, please open the door. I’m sorry I didn’t call earlier, I just knew if I called I wouldn’t have came! Please… Just hear me out!”

Silence. But she knew he was there, cowering on the floor behind the door. She could feel him. She took a moment before she tried once more, pulling out her pre-written number,

“Look, I’m gonna post my number yeah? And you can ring me any time you want just… Please, please hear me out,”

She then opened the letter box and her shoulders drooped a little upon seeing he was nowhere in sight. She pushed the little piece of paper through before letting the letter box shut, she rose; straightening herself out and swallowing the tears that wedged tightly in her dry throat,

“I’m sorry,”

She tried, once more. But he said nothing, once more. She lowered her eyes before scurrying back to her car in embarrassment, climbing in and slamming the door shut,

 _“Don’t cry… Don’t cry…”_ She repeated in a harsh whisper, scolding herself. She took one last look and her bottom lip began to tremble at seeing the house in complete darkness. The image of his face tormenting her heart. His skin was sunken and frail, she could’ve sworn if she had pushed him then he would’ve crumbled into a pile of ash. The trickle of glistening crystals that curved around the rim of his nose churned her stomach. She did not know whether she wanted to hug him, shout at him or feed him.

One thing she knew was to drive away, lingering always caused bad decisions.


	5. Chapter 5

There were many things Finn was talented at, but self-loathing was something he excelled in. For, he felt and practiced it so often. He loved it, lived for it. It kept him alive, helped him able to feel something. He was passionate about the hate he felt for himself, just as passionate as he was about the meaningless sex he participated in regularly.

He rolled off of the nameless stranger, he didn’t bother learning her name. She wasn’t important enough. He moved himself to the edge of the bed, placing himself close to the white gold that sat on the dvd case upon the bedside table. He began to cut up two lines and made a scroll, he turned to the girl and asked did she want one. Which, of course she did. As that’s what he went for nowadays; sex in exchange for a few lines of coke.

Most of the time they were pretty and the others he simply turned over, taking them from behind. He always made sure they were broken in, for he did not do gentle. That was a side to him that had been reserved. He was not sure he knew how to be gentle anymore. Once the girl was finished did he snatch the scroll, moving her out the way and taking his own. The girl moved to against the wall and out of the way,

_“Shut up, Riley!”_

He roared at the whining puppy that pawed at the closed door. The girl flinched, shrinking in to the corner. The brunette watched as he began to do a few more lines and suddenly felt herself sobering, no longer feeling in the mood,

“Listen, it’s getting late and my boyfriend will be home soon. Do you mind if I-”

“You know where the door is,” He grumbled over his shoulder, before then sniffing once more. The stranger hovered for a moment before moving off of the bed and beginning to get dressed. She had been with Finn before and knew it was best to get up and go. Hovering egged on his temper, and when he was coked out of his brains did the girl know he was primal and best to be left alone. Ready to let out the beast at any given moment. 

She spoke a small goodbye before scurrying off, not bother with asking when could she see him next. She would see him when she would see him. She whispered a small goodbye to the little one on her way, hoping Finn didn’t catch it. He didn’t like the comfortable familiarity of it. Speaking to Riley was strictly forbidden. 

He waited to hear the echo of the front door closing throughout the silent house before he moved back on to the bed, settling himself. He patted the empty space and let Riley crawl up. He found it strange that his furry friend didn’t bounce up as usual, but instead slowly climb up; Finn frowned. He forgot how loud he had shouted at Riley, in fact, he forgot he had shouted at all.

But once did Riley see it was safe did he then curl up beside his owner. Finn did not usually let Riley in the room when he was in a state; unable to trust his own temper. But tonight, he wanted some company and a cuddle. He checked his watch and saw Orla was not due home for another hour, exactly three hours since Rae had been round. He tried his best to block her out, had called every booty call upon his list and only the skaniest had answered. But he just needed to feel something, and so, the skanky helped. For the first two hours, then her touches began to become stale to him. Bringing him down from his high and if she would’ve lingered any longer then he wasn’t sure he would’ve been able to play it so nicely and well behaved as he was.

Every fiber in his being burned, the electric pain of heartbreak destroyed his soul. Rae was everywhere. He needed to feel her, he needed to hear his favourite song. He needed to see his favourite colour. He was drowning in thoughts of her, he wanted the air she breathed to fill up within his own lungs. The drink was no comparison to the intoxicating feeling of her skin. He was always in such a state of limerence whenever the thought of her graced his mind. He wasn’t angry at her, he was just so sad. He had yearned to see her, and when he had finally gotten his wish did he shut the door in her face.  
There was another thing Finn was good at; 

Fucking things up.

He looked at the small, purple reminders of just how good of a fuck up he was and wondered; were her’s gone or still ghosted upon her soft skin? He wished he could kiss her’s, gentle reminders of how much he still cared and how much she was loved. He didn’t deserve the same, he knew he didn’t.

He wished he was tired, hoping he could fall in to a deep slumber. He hoped for a better morning as he was hopeful the pain wouldn’t last forever and that the cocaine was darkening his mind. He knew that today’s rain would pass and tomorrow’s sunshine would soon be here. He sat up, did himself another line and left the room, in search of another drink. The tapping of Riley’s small nails echoing behind him. 

He reached his destination of the kitchen and wasted no time into making a double vodka with a touch of coke. The white paper glared up at him from the kitchen side, he looked down to see the absence of Riley; the little one had done a right and headed for the living room on his own adventure. The only light within the house was the dismal glow of orange from the outside streetlight, he didn’t deserve the privilege of a lamp.

The turn of a key was to be heard, followed by more and rapid tapping of Riley’s paws; along with Orla appearing and desperately attempting to shush the dog. She saw through the hallway the dark figure of Finn, she suppressed the sigh she so desperately wanted to exhale. She could smell the ale from across the place,

“What are you doing back so early?”

He asked as she now entered the kitchen,

“Boss let me out early,”

She muttered passively, placing her work bag upon the counter top. There was a shift in atmosphere, tension hanging over them and threatening to cut through them both like a guillotine. Finn drank his drink and Orla poured her own,

“Long day?”

He asked, pointing out the large amount she had poured herself. She just hummed in response, too tired to attempt conversation. She paused as he confessed, unable to look at anything but the floor as he toyed with his glass,

“Rae came round,”

“What?”

The sudden level of oxygen dropped within the room and her fingers twitched,

“Why didn’t you tell me she was coming?”

It was now Finn looked at her, he was suddenly twenty-one again. Scared and nervous,

“I didn’t know she was going to come so soon,”

“Ah,” He nodded briefly, “So, you did know she was going to,”

“Well yeah, but she was supposed to warn me first,”

“Why?” He frowned, finding it strange that Rae needed an invitation.

“Because I knew how you’d react,”

“Oh yeah? And what exact reaction were you expecting?”

“This,”

He looked away from her, snorting a bitter laugh with a dragging his bottom lip between his teeth. The bitter truth as harsh as the sting of his drink. He half wanted to tell her that she was right, her prediction a prime example of how well she knew him. And the other half wanted to be stubborn, tell her she was wrong and make up an elaborate lie that they had spoken and had sex on the couch. But Orla was going to find out, and so, he confessed but with that oh-so sarcastic, hateful tone he loved to speak,

“Well you were right, she should’ve told you cause I slammed the door in her face and hid in the living room,”

“You did what?!”

The confession was not something she was expecting. She was expecting him to say of how he shouted at Rae, maybe even cried, but not something as cowardly as slamming the door and hiding. Orla took a moment, before she then scoffed and dipped down; scrambling inside the cupboard under the sink for the spliff box. Once the object desired was found did she come back up; slamming the box down and making the contents shake and rattle. Finn flinched, shrinking in size. 

Orla began to angrily make a spliff, her hands shaking as she was unable to suppress just how angry she was. The creation that was made was crooked, not her best work but as long as it did it’s job she couldn’t complain. She lit up and took a drag, before then spitting,

“You really are a piece of work,”

“I’m sorry,” He admitted, ashamed of his own actions. The cocaine high wearing off, his bones began to rattle and his heart began to ache,

“I’m not the one you should say sorry to,”

There was another silence. All to be heard was the drags and inhales coming from Orla, and the gulps from Finn as he downed his drink. His jaw clenched as he spat,

“I’m not the one who has been saying no for the past year,”

The guillotine was creaking, becoming looser from it’s reins as it strained to be let free,

“Don’t dare turn this on her, you don’t know what she’s had to keep from you,”

He snorted, shaking his head. His eyes spoke more than what his mouth could have, _tell me then._ He dared her to, and as much as Orla wanted to step up and speak exactly of what she knew; she couldn’t. It wasn’t her place. Finn held the eye contact, daring her to look away. She didn’t, she held her own and warned him silently to leave. He held the intense stare for one more moment before turning, slamming the glass down. He passed her a snarl as he stormed out.

Orla could finally breathe, once he was gone. Her eyes suddenly stung as an overwhelming feeling of exhaustion washed over her. Tearing yourself into two to keep the peace was hard work, especially for two people as troublesome as Finn and Rae. Orla was tired of trying to keep Finn from harming himself, and tired of trying to get Rae to confront her issues. Her resentment for them both was slowly growing stronger with the more time she spent battling with them.  
Once a headache pulsed around the edge of her forehead did she down her wine, pick up the box and head on up to bed - Riley naturally following behind. Just as she reached the top of the stairs did Orla pause, the small but noticeable noise stopped her. He was crying again.

She was torn, torn between comforting him and leaving him to his sadness. She chose the latter, heading on in to her room with Riley and slamming the door - showing his sadness was not going to win her over. She slammed the box down onto her bedside table, before placing herself down on to the bed. She settled herself down, balancing the ashtray upon her stomach, before then switching the television on with the remote. 

Unlike her body, her mind was unable to settle. Anxious at Finn’s sudden quiet, he not being the soundless of criers. She wanted to go and cuddle him, hold him tightly into her but she couldn’t. She couldn’t reward his behaviour. His constant, addictive lifestyle was starting to take it’s toll on Orla - he being one heirion addiction from being forced to the rehab clinic. Within the whirlwind that was Finn and Rae’s relationship; people often forgot about Orla. Forgot about how often she had to frantically slap on the glue that welded Finn together.  Forgetting that once the party was over and the supplies had ran out; did Orla have to deal with the backlash of a drunken Finn. 

Nobody ever asked how she was, it was always about Finn. And when it wasn’t about Finn, it was about Rae. Nobody ever asked how Orla was dealing with it, or, how in fact whether she _was_ dealing with it okay. 

And all she wanted was somebody to hold her and tell her it was going to be okay.


	6. Chapter 6

“So, do you want to tell him?”

It was now Thursday afternoon, two exact days since the awful encounter between Finn and Rae. Izzy, a bulging with twins Izzy, was the one that had asked the question. Rae, jumper and black skinny jeans clad, shrugged. As Lola was in school and Rae had Thursdays off; the two roommates had decided to ring up their long lost pal and invite her for a fry up at Sally’s caf’. Izzy was always so busy, two kids at the age of four and six and a pair of twins on the way. So, to catch her was rare, and the girls did not waste the opportunity to snatch her up.

“I don’t know,” Rae sighed, “I thought I did, I even had pictures on my phone at the ready but once seeing how ill he looked… I don’t even know anymore, why didn’t anyone tell me how bad he had gotten?”

She looked between her two friends, who could hardly hold the eye contact. Ashamed. Rae wasn’t stupid, she knew they still spoke to and hung around with him. Well, at least that’s what she thought. Izzy was the one to explain that although they knew, it had been a while since any of them saw him. It had came to blows one night, when the gang had arranged a little pub gathering and when Finn had stumbled in did Chop then tell the frightened lot that until Finn got his shit together they were to have nothing to do with him.

Rae thought that was reasonable, which led her to point out,

“That’s what I’m saying, I mean, do I want him around Lola? Do I want her first memory of her dad to be a coked up, scrag head who can barely stand!”

Chloe and Izzy had to agree with Rae, maybe Finn wasn’t Dad of The Year at the moment - but give him time and spruce him up a little and just maybe. Argued Chloe. Rae had a sudden flashback of the first time she had saw her dad in seven years, it was in The Vaults and Rae had not long turned sixteen. She had been asked by her older cousins, Charlie and Leo, and Tommy to come along as it was summer and they felt a bit sorry for her as it was when Chloe had abandoned her upon discovering what a pair of tits could do and she had no other friends. He was stood, at the bar and nursing an almost empty pint; eyes blood shot and skin; sagging and faded. He looked as if he had been through the photocopier with many others and he was the last print before it had ran out of ink. He swaggered slightly, eyes drooping and a crooked grin upon seeing his offspring and such. Rae would never forget the drunken insults that tumbled out of her father’s mouth, along with the drunken grin and the “Only messing with ya, kid" 

It made a cold, piercing shiver run down her spin and back up; dancing along her shoulders,

"I just don’t want her to be disappointed, and in all honesty I don’t know if I can trust him,”

“You don’t know if you don’t try Rae,” Quipped Chloe, who was currently licking the whip cream off of her spoon before taking a swig of her hot chocolate.  
Izzy slowly looked at her, mouth agape in awe of her friend’s ridiculous idea,

“Are you serious, Chlo?! The man’s a mess! Has been since he got out of jail, and I don’t think he’ll ever change. What if he flips out, hurts Lola? Could either of you ever forgive yourself if, by chance, he was in a state and lashed out and Lola got in the way?”

“ _Alright_!” Chloe spoke, eyes wide, “I’m only trying to help her! I don’t entirely agree but none of us can know what will happen unless Rae tries again and I didn’t nessecarily mean take Lola, I meant Rae arrange to meet him somewhere, tell him then maybe take Lola,”

Rae shook her head, hands clasped over her ears as she looked downwards. Her mind scattered about the place. Both points held strong arguments,

“You’re right, both of ya,” She said, lifting her head and tossing a glance back and forward, “It is dangerous for Finn to meet Lola whilst he’s like this, but we don’t know exactly whether he’ll be dangerous around her. Maybe Lola is what he needs to change,” She paused for a moment, looking at Izzy; who had threw her hands up in exasperation, she then continued, “I’m gonna ring Orla tonight and sort something,”

“Maybe you don’t have to,” Spoke Chloe, eyes wide as she looked behind Rae and her face as pale as the table,

“Wha…” Rae slowly turned, following Chloe’ eyeline and her own face fell.   
Speak of the Devil, there stood Finn at the counter; ordering a tea. He wore the most colourful yellow trench coat and a red beanie with a blue bobble - the vibrancy washed out his ivory like skin and made him almost translucent. He looked exhausted, the tangled waves peeped out from inside the woolen hat and hid the hallow cheekbones as the wisps of hair framed his face.

Rae did a sharp swivel back to her friends and hissed under her breath,

_“What’s he doing here?!”_

“It is the caf’, Rae,” Muttered Chloe sarcastically, quickly wincing as Rae sharply kicked her under the table. A response to her sarcasm. But Chloe soon stopped wincing as she sat up straight, as did Izzy, as the two began to frantically repeat,

_“He’s coming… He’s coming,”_

Rae could feel the tips of her fingers begin to tingle, it feathering up her arm and lassoing itself around her chest. She closed her eyes for a moment, feeling the creases at the corners as she closed them tighter. If she couldn’t see him then it wasn’t real and he could not see her. Her ears twitched upon hearing jangles of keys, rustling of clothes and two chairs scraping across the glossy floor. She kept her eyes closed, hopeful that it was just the two girls getting up to greet him and they weren’t doing a runner,

“Rae?”

She slowly opened her eyes to see two empty chairs… So, they had left. She slowly turned and looked up to see Finn, a takeout mug of tea in one hand and his other shaking. His nerves apparent, though ever so slightly hidden by a strong stance,

“Where’s Chloe and Izzy?” Rae croaked, her voice cracking as she attempted to hold back the shaking waves within her tones,

“They just got up and left,” He frowned, looking a little hurt that his two beloved friends had not even bothered to say goodbye. But he did not let that blindside him from his main mission, “Can I sit down?” He asked, pointing to one of the empty chairs across from her. She nodded, unable to speak.

She watched intently as he carried out the action of shedding his coat and sitting down. She inwardly winced upon seeing his skinny and pale arms, almost matching in shade to his white t-shirt. When had he gotten so thin? When Tommy had gotten out of jail; he had put on two stone in muscle - even had to buy him a whole new wardrobe as he had filled out so much. In fact, Tommy looked healthier and handsomer than ever; where had it gone wrong with Finn? 

“Look, Finn, if you want to be alone then I’ll ju-”

She paused from collecting her things as Finn shook his head, his words so stern,

“No, I don’t want to be alone. I came here to see you,”

“Oh,” She spoke, confused, sitting back down. She looked at him for a moment or two before looking around, her heart unable to take the aching upon seeing how awful he looked. He took a sip of his tea before placing the cup down and cleared his throat, shifting his seat before stating,

“I came here because I owe you an apology, what I did was bang out of order. I shouldn’t have shut the door in your face, I was just surprised. That’s all,”

“No,” She argued, shaking her head, “You had every right, I’ve been the one avoiding you for a year and for me to turn up like that… I’m the one who should be saying sorry,”

There was a pause, both holding their breath as they both felt it. Nostalgia. They had both stumbled back and were suddenly seven years in the past. Both still as stubborn, only this time they were twice as nervous. Anxious. Finn began to chew his thumbnail, and Rae almost smiled at the little mannerism. He was still Finn, behind the hard frown lines and sunken skin,

“You look nice,” He pointed out charmingly, Rae blushed. Her lips twitching as she attempted to hold back the forbidden, shy smile. Rae knew what he wanted to speak of, it was not the apologies nor was it the compliments - he knew of the secret. He wanted to know what she knew, and Rae knew it was time. He deserved to know,

“Finn,” She stated, stubborn to stop herself from appearing nervous, “I’ve got something to tell you,”  
————————————————————————————————————————————-  
“I’m… A dad?”

  His eyes were now illuminated with so many emotions that all he could was sit there and repeat the information he had just been told. Rae nodded, waiting for the chair beside him to be thrown at the window. Waited for the screaming of how she was a lying, sneaky bitch. But she held her breath for a reaction that never came. Finn cracked a smile, breathlessly laughing with joy,

“Well, what’s her name? How old is she? What’s she look like?”

The tumbling of words that spilled from his mouth tripped over one another as he could not ask quick enough. Rae exhaled, relieved. He wasn’t toxic, not like people were making her believe. He was still Finn, and now that she knew he could be trusted did she take out her phone; quickly scrolling through and finding the most recent and adorable picture of Lola. She handed over the phone and he cradled it as if it were the most precious thing,

“Her name’s Lola, she’s gonna be turning seven at the end of the month,”

Once did he see her tiny, beautiful face did all doubts of her being his drift away. It was impossible to deny that Lola was a concoction of both himself and the wonderful woman before him. It was not her persuasive eyes, those were a gift from her mother, it was not her full, Italian gene lips; a gift from him, it was the orbit of freckles - a tiny galaxy of little beauty marks that collected on the bridge of her nose. He, he had created her. A masterpiece crafted of his nose and Rae’s dark locks,

“She’s beautiful,” He whispered, lifting his awed gaze from the phone and up to Rae as he handed over the phone. She gave him a knowing and soft smile, telling him just how much she knew of how beautiful their little one was.  
 _Their little one_ , it felt good to think about it. Felt good to feel.

“How was it,” Off of her look, he explained himself, “The pregnancy and that,”

“Oh! It was, well, normal really. She had colic for a little bit but other than that she was healthy, lazy little bugger actually,”

He smiled, matching Rae’s, inputting that Maisie too had colic when she was a few months old. The two came to a silence and Finn did not care that he had been lied to, didn’t care that everybody knew but him - he was just happy that he now knew. And he knew that all visiting rights would be off the table if he were to throw a fit now - he would save that for when he got home,

“Why didn’t you tell me, Rae?" 

He was unable to help himself, his smile faded - and soon her’s did too. She was unable to come up with anything, any excuse apart from the truth would be unsuitable,

"I was scared,” She added a little shoulder shrug to her words, her eyes beginning to glimmer as she confessed. He had already anticipated this being the answer, but hearing it felt different… It cut him deep. Made him feel something, proving just of how much of an evil person he could truly be,

“I need some air,”

He mumbled, rising to his feet and grabbing his coat. Rae’s nerves began to jitter, she then pressed,

“Finn, please I-”

But he waved her away, his legs shaking as he made hast for the door. Ignoring Rae’s pleads for him to come back,

“ _Oh shit_ ,” She whimpered, running a hand through her hair as she attempted to suppress the tears. Embarrassed of crying in public. Her lip was the first to go, following the twitch of her nose and then her eyes had filled up…. And she crumbled, her head buried deeply into her arms that lay on the table. Collapsing into herself


	7. Chapter 7

Finn was unsure why he had got up and ran, maybe a force of habit. As he threw on his coat, he did a sharp left and kicked up his pace into a jog. His feet pounded and his head throbbed. A sharp pain twitched underneath the left of his ribcage, leaving him breathless. He came to a sudden halt, almost instantly keeling over as the yellow bile came spilling from his parted mouth - the acid burn stinging his throat. His stomach grumbled, rattling as it groaned for something to eat. The emptying of bile leaving his stomach completely hallow. 

He had found himself down one of the darker alleyways of the town, leaving him at peace to cry. He placed himself upon the floor, bringing his knees up towards his chest. His lip quivered and he began to fidget; feeling his sadness and enraged temper battle it out within his chest. He bashed his fist against the brick wall behind him before pulling his hat off furiously. He didn’t deserve Lola, precious and beautiful Lola. He knew he didn’t, why, he mustn’t have if Rae had felt the need to hide her for seven years.

He pushed the hat to his face; sobbing into it and soaking the wool with his tears. His hands began to shake and he did not care if the fabric was cutting off his air. He shrieked, like a wild animal. Everything hurt, from his chest right down to his small toe. There was a small flickering… And it was snow balling. It was his temper. It was screaming to be let free, and the more he pushed it down; the more it was clawing up towards his mouth and fingers. Finn’s body twitched, red-hot anger imploding within himself. Like a firework in mid-winter. Moments like this did he find himself disturbed, disturbed by how wild and scary his own anger was,

“Finn?”

He lowered the hat and looked up to see Archie. His bottom lip wiggled furiously before he whimpered through snot and sobs,

“Why didn’t no one tell me, Arch?”

“Tell you what?” Archie asked, knowing fully well what as he had just saw Rae; running past and crying moments ago and it didn’t take a genius to put two and two together. But he needed confirmation, in case Finn didn’t know entirely,

“About Lola,” He then asked, through gritted teeth and more tears, “Why didn’t no one tell me about my own _fucking_ daughter?”

And there it was. Finn slowly looked away, his chest heaving and his body a bundle of shaking anger and nerves. He cried whilst Archie watched him. His friend was unsure of whether to carry on walking or curl his arms around the crying mess. He chose neither. He let the silence swallow Finn, let him get the aching pain in his chest out through salt and noise. Archie then looked down at the blue, plastic carrier bag before then looking up at the quietly, whimpering man and asked,

“Do you want a brew?”

—————————————————————————————————————————————–

“Here are, tea makes everything better,”

Archie spoke, sitting down and placing the two brews upon the place mats. They were back at Archie’s new flat, the kitchen-dining area to be exact. The block of flats sat just on the outskirts of the town center, where it was away from the drunks tumbling out of The Vaults on a Saturday night but at a comfortable distance that it was not an inconvenience if you needed some tea bags and milk. Archie’s place was a decent size, given his monthly salary. It was comfortable, and with the rent only three hundred a month; Archie couldn’t exactly complain about a broken heater every now and again.

Deal or No Deal played dully in the background, the temporary noise filled up where conversation should have currently taken place. The two were sat at the wooden, round table that was placed against the off-white wall - right beside the busted radiator. Archie eyed a more-calmer Finn; who nervously toyed with the frayed, laced table cloth,

“Why didn’t no one tell me, Arch?” Finn asked, a repeat of his words used with a more gentle tone. A tone full of longing and so many questions they made Finn’s head spin. Archie took a sip of his brew, his jaw flexing as the taste of warm tea moved smoothly down his throat. He placed the mug back on the coaster before simply stating,

“Because of Rae,”

“I know that,” Finn scoffed, “But _why_?”

Finn displayed his frustration and curiosity through a throwing his hands up in exasperation. There were a million reasons why Finn was lied to, so many reasons that Archie was unsure on where to begin,

“I don’t know, let’s see,” Archie started, sarcastic, “The drugs, the temper, the dealing, the jail, the-”

“Alright!” Finn snapped, momentarily passing a glance to his friend before sulkily looking away “I get it, I get it. I’m a fuck up, I get it but I only got back on everything because… Well, you know why,” Finn grumbled, whipping out cigrattes and quickly grabbing one from the box. He threw the carton onto the table and lit the stick in one swift movement. He was referring to Rae, a story he had spoken of many a time. The heartbreak, the drugs and drink a substitute replacement of Rae. He had spoken of this so much that he could recite it in his sleep. He preached it like a bishop in a church. 

Archie rolled his eyes,

“You can’t use that as an excuse forever, Finn,”

“Don’t you think I know that,” Finn snarked, taking a drag before exhaling and tapping the ash furiously into the glass ashtray. The two let themselves fall to another silence, their minds rolling into their own tumbling and jumbled thoughts. But Archie could not sit in silence for too long, for things needed to be talked about,

“We did want to tell you, Finn, it was just Rae didn’t want us to. We promised her, Finn, we all did. Don’t get me wrong, I told her over and over it was a big mistake. Everyone agreed with me but she ignored us. She was frightened. Frightened that you’d do a runner,”

Finn frowned, slowly looking at Archie as he gently asked,

“Did she really think I’d do a runner?”

All Archie could do was shrug, leaving Finn to deepen the frown lines that dipped on either side of each brow. His head felt heavy and it took all of his strength from his shoulders and neck to stop him from dropping down; follow the wallowing depression. He could feel the phantom fingers of hope curl their way around his chin and desperately attempt to help him look up; show him the bright side. And as always, Archie was that phantom hope; the savior who always helped him see the bright side,

“Maybe this could be it,” Off of Finn’s look did Archie explain himself, “Maybe Lola is what you’ve needed,”

“Yeah,” Finn added an eyebrow raise, “Maybe she is… I’m just scared, Arch, what if am a shite dad?”

“You don’t know until you try and running away isn’t exactly the best thing you could’ve done. How about you get your head down and ring Rae in the morning, soon as you wake up?”

Finn wanted to disagree that running away didn’t help, for him running away and taking himself away from the situation helped. For if he had stayed any longer then the ravenous bull that was his temper would’ve torn the cafe bit by bit, getting him barred from the place. Again. Him pulling himself away, getting up and walking showed growth. Strength. Maybe he wasn’t a lost cause.

Finn shrugged. Suddenly nervous again. Archie sent his friend a disapproving look, it wasn’t a question nor a request… Finn needed to. And Finn knew that, he knew he wouldn’t be a total failure of a father. Once he got past the awkward stage of actually meeting the little one, he had been a father figure to Maisie for so long - he knew most about child care more than many mothers. He loved kids, he was just frightened Lola wouldn’t take to him. And there it was; the fear of rejection.

Rejection. Now, you could put a gun to Finn’s head and he would tell you to pull the trigger. You could bend his arm; threatening to break every bone and he’d egg you on - tell you to pull harder. But if he put his heart on a plate to you and you pushed it away; he’d crumble and quiver,

“Would I be alright to stay here tonight? I can’t be arsed with dealing with a bollocking off of Orla,”

“Yeah, course, mate. You know where the spare room is,”

Finn sent his friend a grateful smile before stubbing out his cigarette. He rose out of his seat and spoke of getting his head down. He stopped in the doorway between the kitchen and the hallway,

“Oh, and don’t keep me up again by shagging Phil,”

“Piss off,”

The two shared a small giggle before Finn turned, heading for the guest room. Finn quietly closed the bedroom door behind him upon reaching the room, instantly chucking his coat onto the small, wooden chair that was often used for clothes rather than sitting. He slowly stripped himself, his body a sudden aching temple of tiredness. He carelessly threw them upon the chair; item piece by piece. And before he knew it the cool, soft bed linen was caressing his backside. 

He huffed upon realizing he had forgotten to draw the curtains, but he was grateful for the streetlight. He hated sleeping in the dark on his own and as Archie couldn’t afford a tv for the guestroom; the light outside would have to do. He pulled his phone off of the bedside table, a quick time check. He was surprised to see it was only tea-time, not even a reasonable time to be hitting the sack. 

He threw his phone back on the oak, chest of drawers before turning over. Engulfing himself in strong laundry detergent and cotton. 

There was a sudden gratitude he felt for Archie, for he didn’t know what he would’ve done if he had to go home and had to have faced Orla. Would he have even gone home at all? Or, would he have done a swift left and headed for The Vaults? In all the friendships over his lifetime; Archie’s was the only one Finn ever had the true and honest patience for. They never fought about anything, and if they did then it was either over what Oasis album was best or who’s turn it was to knock on the neighbor’s door and ask for the ball back. 

Finn had been the one who Archie had came out to, in fact Finn was Archie’s first crush. Everything from broken hearts to scraped knees; Archie had been there for Finn and he with him. If there was ever a bond between two men that were stronger than two brothers; then it was their’s. Finn was there when Archie’s mum had done a runner, he found him that night; outside his house in a pile of his own drunken vomit. And Archie was right by Finn’s side when finding out about Jane’s breast cancer. Right up until the casket was six foot in the ground.

Which was why Archie was the only one who could’ve bumped into Finn; down that alleyway. It wasn’t coincidence that Archie had been the one Finn first saw after finding out that he was a father; it was fate. Archie was the only one who Finn would have sat and listened to; behaved for and saw reason. Anybody else would have received a plain and simple ‘Fuck off.’

And it was the same with Rae. Archie was the voice of reason, sure; Orla was the peacekeeper but Archie was the man who, once the two calmed down, got them to see how stupid they were being. He was the dad of the group and Rae and Finn were his problematic children.

Archie, a new smoker, placed the orange tip between his soft lips and took a drag. He was better at smoking, often being told by Finn that he didn’t suit it but smoked surprisingly well considering he had only been harming his body for a year… Whatever that meant. Archie’s eyes moved with his finger as he scrolled through his contacts before landing on the 'R’.

There were only ever two things that tested Archie’s patience;

1\. Waiting for the kettle to boil.

2\. And, waiting for somebody to pick up the phone.

“ _Come on,_ ” He muttered under his breath, waiting for the click and her voice to sound out on the other end,

“ _Arch_?”

“Rae, you alright?”

“ _Yeah_ ,” She let out a small sigh, “ _Am fine, it’s just… You know_ ,”

“I know but look… We need to talk.”  
———————————————————————————————————————————————–  
 _He was in a small room. It was torn, rotting and smelt of decay. Patches of damp riddled throughout the peeling wallpaper. There was a single sink, with a broken mirror above and one small bulb that continually flickered. He looked around before slowly moving his gaze downwards, the softness of frayed carpet ran underneath his bare feet. He flexed his toes before looking  back up and around, seeing a salmon, tattered couch now appear in the middle of the room._

_Along with Rae._

_Her back faced him, hair falling forward. He wanted to speak but his mouth was sewn shut. And not in the figurative sense. It was literally sewn shut. He wanted to panic, scream and ask what was going on. But nothing could be done. He attempted to move forward but his body remained still. He jumped upon hearing sudden laughter; it very similar to one of those laughter soundtracks you could hear on an old sitcom before silence returned._

_He tried again; screaming her name. But he instantly winced, the stitching gluing his mouth closed; stinging as he tried to pry it apart. But, his attempts seemed to have work for Rae did move. But the way she moved; it unnerved him. Her body on the slowest speed. Her hair drowning her beautiful features._

The wavy beats of Somebody Else followed by the heavenly tones of Matt Healy could be heard, muffled through pillow and blanket. He cracked open his left eye, clamping it shut again. He could feel the white of his eye have sudden red veins run throughout; darting about like city lights. Bloodshot. He eventually did re open it, only this time his right eye joined and his vision was coated in a dim covering. 

He peeled away the warmth and glanced around to see a yellow tint. He peered round and looked above; seeing the closed blinds. Archie must have crept in and closed them. He let out a yawn and did his basic, morning stretch. He dare not look at his phone; afraid he had woken up ridiculously early. 

But upon hearing the familiar tune did Finn come to the conclusion that it must have been gone past nine for Archie was not an early bird. Finn rose, letting the quilt slip from his torso. His hands shook and as much as he would have liked to have had his morning cigarette; even getting one out of the box took patience and a steady hand.

He threw back the covers and headed over to the chair, seeing his clothes neatly piled up underneath and fresh pajamas folded tightly on the fabric seat. He let out another yawn, lazily throwing on the black, v-neck tee and the plaid bottoms. He tightened the drawstring, frowning. He never usually had to tighten pajama bottoms.

He made a mental note to stock up on protein shakes.

Finn grabbed his box of cigarettes, along with his phone, before leaving the room. The teasing smell of smoked bacon and freshly, buttered toast calling him. His ears pricked upon hearing laughter, he would know it anywhere. It was that sweet tone, the one that melted around his heart and warmed his chest,

“Rae?”


	8. Chapter 8

Finn drew a love heart in the fog of his breath upon the window. He then turned to Rae, and asked what had she said in a dazed manner. It had taken them three hours to find themselves sat where they were, and where they were exactly… They were not sure. They just knew the sudden drop in temperature wasn’t due to the bitter wind outside.

“You’re not even listening, are you,”

When Finn had wandered in earlier to see Rae and Archie at the breakfast table; Finn didn’t even give it a second thought and told her they were going to grab his car from The Vaults car park and talk. Hence why he was still in his pajamas. Rae didn’t argue when Finn told her, rather bluntly, to get up and follow him. And Archie didn’t tell them both that it was best they talked in the safety of his flat, instead, he left them be.

And now here they were, in a dodgy field and all talked out. Well, more Rae was the one who was talking. Finn just sat there, sleep still heavily fogging his mind,

“Sorry,” He sighed, sitting up, “Sorry, I was miles away. What did you ask?" 

She just shook her head in response, folding her arms in a huff. She was tired of repeating herself. He glanced at her pursed lips and slowly licked his own; imaging how good her’s would taste upon his. He pulled his gaze away; the temptation too painful. He then scolded himself silently, he didn’t want her body. He didn’t want sex. He wanted… He didn’t know what he wanted. 

He glanced briefly in his rear view mirror, eyeing the vodka bottle on the backseat before he looked back at the fading love heart. Sudden cold sweats trickled down the back of his neck; dampening the baby hairs. His lips pined for something other than Rae’s. 

"If you want to meet her there’s got to be a change, Finn, I can’t let you meet her when you look like that,”

She point, blank stated. He nodded, this time listening. He had to listen to her.  He needed answers and zoning out would get him nowhere. He could feel the burning stare of impatience radiate from her and upon his face. He wanted to turn and bore his own eyes straight back at her. Finn believed if he had the ability to touch anyone in the world; it would still be Rae. Every time. And yet, being unable to twirl so much as a finger around a strand of hair… Hurt more than breaking any bone could. 

“Have you told her about me?” Off of Rae’s frown did he explain, “I mean, like, in the past. Cause I know she’s at that age where she’s curious and I was just wondering what have you told her when she’s asked why everyone else has a dad but she doesn’t,”

His own words made a hard block; wedging themselves tightly within his dry throat. Rae explained that it had come up, Lola had asked before; one day when her classmate was dropped off by her dad. Rae simply told Lola that Finn worked on an “Oil rig” And would be for a very long time. 

Finn scoffed at this and asked,

“An oil rig? _Rae_ ,” He gave her a look in which she threw him one back,

“What?! Like you could have said anything better?!”

“Yeah, but a fucking oil rig?”

The two paused for a moment before Rae snorted, causing Finn to snigger and it was followed by hysterics. Not forced, nor small but true, belly-busting, gut-wrenching laughter. It came from the depths from their stomachs and the car became suddenly warm again. They hadn’t laughed like this both together and with others since… Well, they could not pin point it. But it felt good, like sunshine had burst through the roof of the car and illuminated within the small space.

It was a passion they had not felt for a while. It sparked a flame that soon spread, like a forest fire. Lighting up the dark abyss that neither had dare ventured down since their departing from each other. They were passionate about it because they meant it. 

“I’ve missed this,” He said, his laughter slowing but still apparent. Rae’s sudden stop and quiet alarmed him,

“Don’t, Finn,” She warned lowly. The pain now apparent within her face. He sighed and felt his shoulders droop, he felt awful but he had to tell her. Tell her how much he missed her, missed having his partner in crime and best friend,  
“I’m sorry,” He admitted, unable to look at anything but the steering wheel. She was unable to look at anything but her fiddling fingers. She shook her head and told him quietly that it was fine, it just wasn’t the time to be talking about them. This was about Lola. He nodded and agreed, feeling selfish. And suddenly, they were cold again. He wanted to ask whether she could possibly forgive him, and she wanted to ask if things had been different if he hadn’t have gone to jail. But that’s the thing about being stubborn, it always keeps you from speaking about the things that bother you the most,

“This is stupid,” He huffed,

“What is?” She wondered,

“This… Do you ever wonder how it would have been if I hadn’t have gone away?”

And there it was; him reading her mind again. She often wondered whether if Finn secretly had telepathic abilities, for, he spoke her thoughts out loud more than she did herself. She mumbled a small “All the time” And it settled him, gave him some form of closure that she too wondered. Finn felt a sudden sharp pain within the back of his skull, his anxiety kicking in to overdrive with now the realisation that Rae was sat beside him. And, yet, he had asked almost next to nothing of what often crossed his mind… 

_Do you miss me as much as I miss you?_

_Why did you never write to me?_

_What will it take for you to see that all I need is a hug?_

All of it could be answered with one, stern explanation that it was too painful and he knew that. But he needed to hear it, hear that it wasn’t because he was a total screw up. Hear that she pined for him too, and that hugging him, why she didn’t write and that she missed him so much caused a pain that constantly clung to her spine. That a dark figure hung off of her like a monkey,

“Why didn’t you tell the police that it was Kendo who had planted the stuff and not you?”

“Cause they’d never believe me,”

“So, it was just easier to give up instead of fighting for what was right? Was it easy, to just leave me?”

He looked at her, face shading from white to scarlet as he ran through the scale from shocked to angry. He then spat of how it wasn’t easy. That leaving her was the hardest thing he ever had to do, why couldn’t she see it? And thus, it began, the screaming match. 

It started as a small wave of angry questions, eventually turning into a tsunami of fury. Words crashing over one another, he argued and asked her how dare could she think that it was easy? She screamed back that it seemed like it. The two couldn’t shout loud enough. Finn felt his fingers dig deeply into his palms; any deeper and his knuckles bones would’ve broke his skin. Rae’s eyes almost bulged out of their sockets; neck vain prominent the more she screeched. He leaned forward, as did she and soon their breathing could be felt on one another’s faces and for once Rae did not find herself cowering under Finn’s wrath and Finn did not hold back. His hands gripped either side of her face and he shook her slightly as he cried, telling her how she was blind not to see how hard it was for him to give up with the click of the policeman’s fingers. Her hands gripped his wrists and she sobbed, telling him that if he had of tried then maybe things would’ve been different but that’s all it was; maybes and what if’s and that day was always going to be the biggest what if.

He suddenly calmed, unable to shout. He rested his forehead against her’s and whimpered of how he was sorry. His moist palms pressed firmly on her cheeks. Her shaking fingers still gripped his wrists tightly as her forehead collapsed softly against his, their breathing battling for dominance as the two attempted to calm themselves. Seven years of anger, sadness and so many other overwhelming feelings tornado into one big argument and now; they had nothing left,

“Please, Rae, let me make this right. Please just…” He sighed, swallowing, “Let’s forget what happened, please, take me back,” He attempted to suppress another sob, but he couldn’t help it and let a faint cry waver from his lips. His eyes squeezed shut as she told him that they couldn’t, it just wouldn’t be the same but she was willing to forgive him,

“You’re the fucking love of my life, Rae, why can’t you see that?”

She suddenly pulled away, placing her elbow on the window sill of the car. Resting her cheek against two fingers and a thumb, feeling a migraine coming on,  
“I can see it, Finn, and that’s why this is so hard. And I-”  
She was interrupted by her phone calling out, she apologised quietly and pulled her phone from her pocket. Finn, who was now sat back in his seat, watched with curious and swollen eyes as she answered. Whilst she took the call; he wiped away the falling tears roughly with the back of his coat sleeve; the trench coat material rough on his sore nose,

“I need to go,” Rae stated, putting her phone away as the conversation came to a quick close,

“Is everything ok?” Finn asked, alarmed,

“Yeah, Chloe told me Lola needs me. She’s caught a cold from one of the kids at school, she was asleep when I left but she’s woke up and is crying for me,”

“Is there anything she needs, like cough medicine or anything?”

“Don’t start playing dad now, Finn,” Rae warned, causing his lips to thin into a grimace.

He nodded briefly and put the car into drive. Praying he could remember the way. Before the journey began properly Rae flicked on the radio and the dulcet tones of The Neighborhood lulled out and Finn was grateful. He loved the band, they helped him think. Finn felt disheartened that Rae had told him to back off, his heart aching at the thought of his child ill in bed; temperature through the roof and pining for a cuddle. He wanted to tell Rae of how to place a cold flannel on the little one’s forehead to reduce the fever and relieve any headaches. Cotton clothing and two blankets to sweat out the germs, and warm milk with a sprinkle of sugar as both a treat and a natural sleep remedy - these being things he had picked up from the many a cold Maisie would often get throughout winter.

But, he kept his mouth shut. Like Rae inputted, it was useless him playing dad now.


	9. Chapter 9

“You look knackered,”

It had been three days since Finn and Rae’s talk, and Finn had been going out of his mind trying to find out whether it was just a cold that Lola was suffering from. His paranoia was convincing him that it was fatal and everybody was just lying to him, his anxiety constantly churning his stomach - his nails bitten and bloody. He hadn’t been home for three days, well, he had but only to collect clothes and toiletries - he now a lingering guest at Archie’s. Not that Archie minded, in fact it settled his mind. Here, Finn had no access to drink nor drugs. 

And Finn was just grateful to be out of Orla’s way. 

Archie had been the one to point out Finn’s tired eyes, Finn could only mumble that he had, had a bad sleep - actual conversation would take more energy than Finn cared to give. Archie now moved forward from the grill, two plates of breakfast  that were almost over spilling balancing carefully within his hands. As Archie placed both the plates and himself down; Finn pushed away his and lit a cigarette. Earning a harsh glance from his friend,

“You’ve got to eat, Finn,” Archie warned, knife and fork vigorously moving as it cut through the mountain of food.

  “Not hungry,”

A lie, the cigarette made Finn’s stomach turn. It begging for a bite of bacon and toast. But, it was a silent protest. A protest that until Rae called him then not one, single bite would pass his dry and cracked lips. Archie was growing tired of this continuous battle of trying to get his friend to eat, for Archie was a feeder. It was alien to him, Finn turning down a breakfast. As over the years Finn had the body of a yoga instructor, finely chiseled and neatly sculpted, but the eating habits of Robbie Coltrane. Back in school when Archie couldn’t finish his dinner; Finn would be the first to offer to finish his scraps - even after eating his own. So, for Finn to turn down such a hearty breakfast unnerved Archie.

The thick smoke coming from Finn’s lips made Archie’s food taste funny, but that wasn’t going to put him off from getting Finn to eat and so, he pressed,

“Please, just eat something. I made your favourite,”

And Finn had just about enough of being told what to do. But, he couldn’t deny he felt a twinge of guilt simmer along the line of his stomach. He put his cigarette down, balancing it on one of the dips within the ashtray and picked up a sausage. He took a huge bite before chucking it back down upon his plate, he began to chew and with one big swallow did he then toss a wide, sarcastic smile towards Archie before quipping a,

“Happy?”

His smile dropped before he then picked his form of nicotine back up, taking a huge drag. Archie could only shake his head and get on with eating his own. Finn eyed his friend before his shoulders drooped and the apology began,

“Am sorry, Arch, I’m just stressed,”

“I know you are,” Archie said as he continued to cut through the pork and toast, “That’s why you need to eat,”

Finn’s silence was enough confirmation that he agreed. But, he just could not find himself picking up his knife and fork. For, although his belly was hallow his anxiety continually upset his stomach - leaving him with constant butterflies. Archie was tired of battling with his friend, but he was just happy to have him there and not under the scrutiny of that witch Orla. Archie never did like Orla, he blamed her for a lot of Finn’s problems - mainly the drugs and drink.

Now, Archie was never one for speaking bad of people and he knew Finn was a grown man; who was responsible for himself but he could not help but continually think that if Orla did not live with Finn then maybe the man wouldn’t constantly resort to drink and drugs to block out her continual nagging about his faults. Sometimes, even Finn Nelson needed reminding that he was doing brilliantly by just staying alive. 

“Has Rae rang?" 

Finn asked while exhaling his smoke,  trying to sound as if he were making conversation. Archie shook his head and told him no, ignoring the sudden frown between Finn’s overgrown brows. It was a lie, upon Rae’s request, she had called earlier to see how Finn was but begged Archie to deny anything asked. Why, he was unsure but Archie stopped questioning Rae a long time ago,

"Oh,” Finn said, unable to stop the disappointment seep through his tones. He took a sip of his coffee to hide the sudden thinning within his lips. He then put out his cigarette and rose, thanking Archie for the food and mentioned something or other about going on a jog. Archie said nothing in response to this, just kept his head down and chomped on his food.  
——————————————————————————————————————————————–  
Chloe scooped Lola’s hand into her’s as the two left the corner shop. Lola chewed away happily on a large, cola bottle sweet and Chloe took a huge glup of her lucozade; the bubbles harsh on her throat. The fizz of the drink upsetting her hangover ever so slightly. Rae was having a downer day and upon seeing that her friend was in no fit state to look after Lola; Chloe had offered to take the little one out - the fresh, winter air chasing away the remaining, clinging germs of her cold.

“So, are you caught up on all your work?”

“Yep,” Lola said through sweets and hyperactive fuel, “Well, almost. Just got maths left to do, will you help me?”

“Yeah, course,”

The two girls shared a small smile and continued on their route through the high street. Chloe inhaled deeply and exhaled, letting the crisp and fresh air fill her lungs and cleanse her insides. The cold, winter sun painted the pavements and the town center in a golden shimmer. The peak of winter surrounding them, the kiss of a new season approaching. Although Chloe loved the taste of the cold air upon her lips, the bitter yet refreshing winds biting at her cheeks, she  wished for the pretty flowers and blossoms. She longed for the smell, the promise of their fragrance. 

“Finn?”

She stopped, freezing in place as she crossed paths with the man. He too froze as he had just left the chemist, colour draining from his face quicker than sand escaping the top of an hour glass. His eyes instantly fell to Lola, who Chloe now gently pushed behind her. Paranoid of him leaping forward and kidnapping her,

“Alright?”

He asked and Chloe was unable to speak, fear of blurting out to Lola who the skinny and frail man before them was. But thankfully, her mouth obeyed her mind and she nodded; asking him what was he up to,

“I was just getting some medicine for,” He glanced briefly at Lola before back up to Chloe, the disapproval of his child being out in the cold darkening his eyes and deepening his frown, “Well, I can see it’s not needed,”

“It’s sorted,” Chloe said sternly, shoulders moving as she huffed out her chest, “She’s fine,”

They held eye contact, Finn could not help but continually glance at the shy, beautiful girl hiding behind Chloe’s thin legs. His lips were dry and his heart within his throat. The ache to kneel down and ask for a hug burned stronger than any vodka could. Chloe then muttered something about needing to leave and just as she was about to, Finn pulled her back. He ignored the shining that brimmed the rim of her eyes, he pulled out his wallet and was frantic,

“Please, give this to-”

“We don’t need your money,”

“Please,” He said, begged even, looking at Lola before back at Chloe, “Chloe, I-”

His own voice wavered, sadness and pleading climbing from his voice box and rolling off of his tongue,

“No, Finn,” She spat, “We. Don’t. Need. It,”

She said as slowly and sternly as she could. Her face reddening the longer she stood, tears sprang to his eyes; his fingers shaking as they clutched the white, medicine bag full of cough mixture and the wad of notes. Chloe gave him one final look before turning and leaving, Lola clutched tightly to her side.

She was unable to stop the tears as she hurried home, her heart weighed heavily upon her chest. Lola asked who he was and Chloe told her that it was a friend of her mummy’s, trying her best to stay calm. Seeing him, so close and yet so far… It hurt. But that’s the thing about grieving over the loss of somebody who’s still alive, when somebody dies then that’s it. You know where they are and you don’t have to see them, of course it’s sad but seeing somebody who your heart yerns for and yet so much as being unable to wrap your arms around them…

That hurts more than any death could.  
————————————————————————————————————————————————  
“You saw her?”

Finn nodded, exhaling his smoke. After running into Chloe and Lola, he decided to go home. Not preparing to be interviewed by Archie. All he needed was an ear and a hug. Orla looked away, eyes wide and mouth open ever so slightly in shock as she attempted to absorb the information,

“Shit,” She exhaled, scoffing ever so slightly,

“Yeah,” Finn quipped, his eyebrows popped up and down briefly, “Shit, indeed,”

“Does Rae know?”

“Do I look like I fucking know?” Finn snapped, hands open.

Orla went to snap back when the door burst open and in wandered two of Finn’s new “Workers.” Now, although Finn never directly dealt the drugs himself; nobody said that he couldn’t have people do it for him and he just collected the money. They went by the names of Michael and Sean; one was a looker and the other had the eyes of a psychopath. One the brains and one the brawn,

“The fuck do you two want?” Finn barked at them. Only did Michael, the brawn, flinch. He then stated,

“Sorry, boss, but there’s something you need to know,”

“Can’t it wait?” Finn huffed, eyes blazed with fury that the two buffoons had barged in. Michael shook his head and attempted to argue,

“No, it’s really important,”

“I don’t care how fucking important it is,” Finn hissed, rising out of his seat. The only man Michael ever did cower to, which showed as Finn approached him, 

“How dare you come into _my_ home and sa-”

“Kendo’s back,” Sean stated, slowly and sternly looking at Finn. Finn froze, pausing himself through mid-shouting, he slowly turned to Sean and asked him a frightened and quivered “What?”

“Kendo’s back,” Sean repeated, glancing at Orla before back at Finn, “And he’s coming for us.”


	10. Chapter 10

The slowly, bruising clouds rolled into one above Rae, erasing any remaining traces of the winter sun. Threatening yet another heavy down pour. Her eyes trailed down to the blurred scenery that whizzed past her window, the tarmac darker in certain places where the ghost of rain had left behind it’s miserable mark. The weather emitted a gloomy vibe within the car, matching the ominious, black leather interior. The humanly reminder of her lack of self control sat beside her, knee bouncing and fingers typing furiously away. Brow furrowed, frown lines deep and prominent.

Rae’s eyes wandered over to the driver before her, his knees now just as bouncy as Finn’s as they came to a halt at the traffic lights. His name began with an M, but Rae forgot the rest of it. Same with the lad beside him in the passenger’s seat, she didn’t care all that much about learning their names. For once this ordeal was over she were to never see them again, that she promised herself.

The four were on their way to Tommy’s house that sat on the outskirts of London, buried away behind trees and farmland.  Lola didn’t travel up with them, although Finn insisted; Rae did not want Lola’s first, proper interaction with her estranged dad to be in the back of a racing BMW and so the little one traveled up with Linda, Orla and Chloe.

Rae was not sure about the other’s  whereabouts for she barely had time to wrap her head around that she was back in the chaos of Hurricane Finn. She only knew of another who would be there that wasn’t one of Finn’s men nor people who she saw daily; Maisie. A beautiful, blooming, seventeen year old Maisie at that.

Unlike the usual concoction of emotions that ran through her; she only felt herself fixated on one feeling - anger. Anger that bubbled from the deeper parts of her, and soon she was positive the steam was going to come out of her ears. A whistle out of her mouth, like a boiled kettle. 

Luckily, her phone buzzed within her pocket and as she pulled it out; an instant smile pooled outwards upon seeing the name. Now that Finn was off his own phone; he noticed the small smile and twitched,

“Who’s that?”

His tone was cautious, an attempt to sound like it was mere conversation and not him wanting to know whether it was one of his darker fears confirmed,

“Nobody,”

She muttered. The lie almost didn’t make it through her thinned lips, her eyes unable to move from the screen - in fear of giving herself away. She felt him tense beside her and she watched him begin to chew harshly at his already bitten-to-the-nub nails as his eyes wandered to outside. She knew Finn wasn’t stupid, but she could not find herself speaking of her admirer. 

He went by the name of Luke. Almost the polar opposite to Finn, aside from the same hair colour and style. His eyes were femine, kind and warm with faint bed-sheet like creases in the corners. The ends flicked downwards, green iris’s with speckles of gold shattered around the pupil. Manly hands that swallowed Rae’s, along with his height. Aside from the feline eyes and permanently plump limps; his nose was another distinguished feature - large and long with a little curve at the end. Something he always hated about himself. With three sisters and a single mother; Luke was more than gentle. Caring, even. He was an open book, what you saw was what you got. His smile often dazzled and charmed whoever crossed his path. His figure was slender, but not so much as to be classed as skinny. He held such a charisma, somebody you would notice as soon as you walked into a room. A young Mick Jagger but with dimples and handsomer, finer features.

_Herself and Luke met in work, their first encounter was a cliche. It was at the office party, he worked in printing - and she worked in the editing. He - Second floor and, she - third. Both lacking in social skills; found themselves stuck in the corner together. Surprisingly, Rae was the one who bit the bullet and initiated the conversation first. And although he preferred Blur over The Stone Roses - Rae took an instant like to him._

It was nothing serious, just a couple of dates and a few, shy kisses. In all honesty, if it wasn’t for Chloe’s constant mithering then Rae would not have spoken to him at all. The conversation that currently burned a hole through Finn’s nerves was nothing, just polite words - meek, rather. 

Finn eyed her out of his perpetual vision, she looked lovely but his awed feelings were turning sour the more she stayed on her phone. Her outfit consisted of a smaller version of the leather she used to wear when she was bigger. The cream wrapped shirt contrasted beautifully against her black, drainpipe jeans and the ankle boots gave the illusion of a curve to her never ending legs. Her face was minimized to lipgloss and mascara, hair in waves that escalated down her back and smushed against the seat.

Before the compliment dived off of his tongue and pooled itself over her; the car came to a halt. The long and graveled driveway was occupied with a handful of cars and it intrigued Rae but also made her hope for it to be the gang and not Finn’s men. The party of four climbed out, Finn called over to Rae that Sean would bring in her things. 

Rae lead the way, after all this was her brother’s place. Hence not feeling the need to knock. Finn did not mind Rae taking the reins for a moment, whatever kept her happy. The interior was modern compared it’s Victorian exterior. The decor reminded Finn of his apartment, black walls with shy appearances of white and grey. In the hallway they were greeted by stairs and three doors, the left the men were led in to - entering the living room. It was long in length but narrow in width. A lot cleaner and barely anything about the room, giving the impression this was not Tommy’s main living space.

Dotted around the room was the gang, Linda, Rae and Finn’s offspring and Maisie. Tommy and the rest of the men nowhere to be found. All talking came to an abrupt halt, all eyes on the four that had just wandered in. Nobody spoke, just let their glares cast over to Finn - who cowered slightly behind Rae. Linda’s anger radiated off of her, her body moved ever so slightly as Lola jumped off of her lap. The little one ran over and into her mother’s arms; who scooped her up and let out a relieved sigh.

Lola broke the silence by telling Rae about how her and her nana had been drawing; joyfully stating about the picture she drew for Rae. Blissfully unaware to all going on around her - and Rae intended for it to stay that way. Whilst Rae put on an act of how excited she was to see the drawing, the rest of the room followed and took up small talk. None now paying Finn a blind bit of notice.

Not that he cared, for now he was focused on the beautiful bundle that currently rested on Rae’s hip with her tiny arms wrapped loosely around Rae’s neck - her nimble fingers linked securely at the back. His stares were nervous, curious - like when a puppy would cautiously approach a new born.

Rae could feel Finn’s eyes upon the young one and announced,

“How would you like to help mummy make a cup of tea?”

Lola could not have said ‘Yes’ Quick enough, it coming out like a noise rather than a word. As Lola was placed on to the floor; she led the way. The place her second home. Once she was out of the room, Rae turned to Finn and lowly warned,

“You, say nothing.”  
———————————————————————————————————————————-  
Finn had done his usual disappearing act as soon as Tommy stepped a toe over the door. By the time nine rolled around and the colour of ink splashed across the sky; Lola was in bed and Rae helped herself to a couple of glasses of wine with her mother and friends - minus Izzy who had opted for an early night in the attic bedroom, her twins kicking one another within her stomach. Lola in the smaller room at the bottom of it’s stairs, technically classing as two separate rooms.

The sleeping arrangements had been sorted that Chloe took the couch with Orla, Archie upon the armchair. Linda took Tommy’s room - who had offered and spoke of how he’d be out for most of the night anyhow. And Rae had been given the larger guest room, the one at the front of the house - helping her listen out for when her bed partner would pull up into the driveway.

Finn had offered, before leaving earlier, to take the couch and that Chloe could share the bed with Rae. But Rae told him that they were both adults and that simply making him take the couch would be childish.

Much to his delight.

And as the wine hazed Rae’s mind, causing her touches and nerve endings to become sensitive - she wasn’t going to turn down a cuddle if he asked. She lowered the television volume slightly upon hearing a car door close, then another and talking. Judging by the tone of Finn’s voice; he was distressed about what lay ahead. Upon hearing the door closing, she bumped up the noise back to it’s original volume; molding herself back into the bed sheets and pillows. Eyes lazily watching the screen.

Guessing by the men’s sudden quietness; they had saw the three sleeping figures and only the streetlamp outside as a form of guidance. Her ears pricked up as she listened out for the sound of shoes against floorboard. Her fingers twitched as she heard the familiar creak of the second to top step, followed shortly by the click and opening of the bedroom door.

He jumped ever so slightly upon seeing she was still awake, he closed the door gingerly behind him and spoke lowly,

“Sorry, I didn’t wake you did I?”

She rose a little, sitting up right and her tones were also low,

“No, urm, I was just watching telly,”

A little fib, she had been waiting for him. Too nervous to sleep. He seemed satisfied by her answer and moved across the room, over to the armchair. Rae watched him silently. The tension matching the colours within the room, cold and heavy. Reducing them to silence. His cream, turtle necked jumper aged him, softening him rather. His fingers curled around the hem of his jumper, just about to peel it from his cold skin when he paused and turned to Rae; cringing upon realizing,

“You don’t mind if I…?”

His eyes glanced momentarily downwards before back up at her, his words careful once more. She shook her head and reminded him that they were adults. Although he appeared uneasy, he went ahead and stripped himself free. Tossing it carelessly upon the chair, followed by his jeans and shoes. He avoided her stare as he pulled out his cigarettes and lighter from his jeans pocket, chucking the clothing back down. Rae scolded herself for having that fifth glass, for now her cheeks grew warm and she was unable to find herself being mad at him.

He wandered to the empty side, opting to use the sheets as a thin barrier by sitting on top of them. Not appearing unfamiliar with the room, he instantly opened the top drawer and dug out the ashtray before leaning back and balancing it upon his naked skin. He turned and asked a mumbled “Do you want half?” Which was received with a small but noticeable nod.

Still no eye contact.

The side Rae could see was illuminated a red before the cool, flashing glow of the television took over. Her eyes never did leave him,

“Look at me.”

Her words took both him and her by surprise. He paused from smoking his cigarette and slowly looked at her, nervous. His eyes had more light in them within this one moment than they had in the past seven years. For a brief moment all tension withered away and no bad feelings lingered. It was almost a silent waving of the white flag.

 _Almost_.

Finn frowned at her and couldn’t help himself as he spat,

“Why haven’t you told her about me yet?”

She looked at him, her brow prominently creased. Incredulous as to why he would he even ask,

“Cause right now is the spot on time to tell her about her drug dealing father!” She sarcastically quipped, continuing to taunt and sneer, “Let’s see, I wasn’t sure whether being chased out of our home or finding out we’re targets for a hit was _quite_ the perfect moment I mean why don’t we just wait till a gun is pointed to her head, shall we!”

He took a long drag of his cigarette, not even bothering to finish nor give her the promised half. Instead, as he exhaled the smoke, he angrily stubbed it out. He placed the ashtray upon the bedside cabinet and felt his jaw twitch as he hissed,

“Don’t you fucking dare,”

He was unable to look at her, in fear of letting his anger getting the better of him. He shook his head and left the bed; heading for his clothes. He started with his jeans,

“I knew us staying in the same bed was a bad idea,”

And although she was furious, she did not want to him to go. So, she did the one thing she knew would make him hover - wanting the last word,

“Oh, that’s right. Run away, there he is! He’s back, everyone!”

Her tone began to raise ever so slightly. As did her body. Finn did a sharp turn and inched forward slightly, posture suddenly tall,

“I’m going because I don’t want to argue with you, you aren’t my girlfriend. So, why should I stand here and listen to your bollocks! All I do is let you shout at me, give me excuse after excuse and always and try to deflect; distract me even over the fact that you won’t let my own daughter know about me!”

“Your dau- _Your_ daughter?!” She barked, trying to speak as lowly as possible but still getting her point across, “Where was you when she had colic, when she was diagnosed with asthma, the nightmares and when we could barely afford a tin of beans! Don’t stand there and dare talk about being a dad when it was me who had to raise her!”

“Well, how could I have been a dad to a child I knew nothing about?!” He let out somewhat a frustrated moan, gritted his teeth, “God, you really are fucking infuriating aren’t you?”

“If I’m so frustrating then why are you still bothering?”

“Because I love you, what part of that are you not getting?!” He cried, before then softening; his voice breaking as he moved forward, now sitting at the end of the bed, “I’m here, Rae, right fucking here. I’m giving you everything, begging you to take it. Why can’t you see that, can’t you see _me_?”

Her eyes flickered as she looked away, begging herself silently not to cry. She folded her arms, curling within herself. She then softened too as she stated, slowly looking at him,

“It’s not just us that’s involved anymore, Finn,”

“I know,” He said, seeing this as a chance to get her to give in, “And I will do anything, all I can think about is us three. First thing I wake up and last thing when I go asleep, all I want is my family,”

His words caught her off guard, the thought of him actually seeing it like that never crossing her mind. He then continued, leaning forward as he spoke,

“I have never ached for something so much, my life i,i,s empty without you two. Just, just come home. Where you both belong,”

It was a bold statement, a risk for him to ask. But judging by the soft gaze, it was a risk that had paid off. Her arms unfolded and she opened to him,

“Maybe we can sort something, ease her into the idea of you being her dad. Weekend visits, baby steps,”

He nodded, a smile slowly beginning to appear before dropping again as she stated,

“But, that doesn’t mean that’s a green light for us,”

"And why not?”

“I’m seeing someone.”


End file.
